Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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