i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
