i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
