I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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