you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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