Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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