my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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