Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
