Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
