better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
