Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
