Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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