He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
