Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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