sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
