It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
