You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I did not marry a roomba.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
