I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
