I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
