my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
