my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
