I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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