ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
