By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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