the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
