True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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