Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
