he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
