Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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