You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
