What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
