just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
