When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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