no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
