He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
