Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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