Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
