Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
