i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
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