its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
