that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Come share oat with me in your robe
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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