And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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