Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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