the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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