I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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