Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
