Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
