i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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