dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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