you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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