woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
